Introduction to a bench
You know I had to do it to them Photo from October 2017 Hey everyone, Matthew Boensch (pronounced like "bench") here! I am a sophomore and an MIS major in Price college. I am originally from the south Philly/Jersey area, but have been living in North Dallas for the past couple of years. While I have picked up "Y'all" while living in Texas, much of my Northeastern slang has not left me and tends to come out when I am talking casually. I listen to all music, and I mean all music, so if you have any obscure or unpopular songs or genres you like, please drop a link cause I love discovering new stuff to bump to! While my music goes from Japanese EDM to ancient Mongolian throat singing, the stuff I listen to most of the time is underground and old school hip-hop, as well as lofi. I love playing all sports, even if I'm not too good at them. I played Offensive line in high school, as well competing in field events during track season. I am a huge super hero
Hey Matthew,
ReplyDeleteThe tile of your storybook really got me interested. I am doing my storybook about the two doormen of Vishnu and during one of their incarnations one of them becomes Ravana. You brought up such a good point. It did seem like Rama was looking to fight and not just fight when approached. Of course this probably did have to deal with having his wife taken but still. I am glad his brother could advise him and not let Rama act out of rage. I also liked how in the beginning you talked a bit about the jungle. I think the Ramayana didn’t do this, but it did say something along the lines that it was dangerous. But you gave more details, which was good. I love the title of the book hahaha. It seems strange that a book is just floating down the stream but I am sure you will explain how it was lost in future stories. I cannot wait to read more. You gave a good ending and made me want to keep reading.
Hi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteAt first, I wasn't sure how this was going to be linked to the title which seemed to be focused on Ravana and not the brothers from the Ramayana. However, the ending caught me by complete surprise and was a great way to capture the reader. I can't wait to read more and see where you take this. I don't know if we're supposed to add an author's note to the Intro, but since you wrote a fictional introduction I would suggest perhaps adding one. It might help to give some backstory on which part of the Ramayana you are using for this tale and who your characters are (or who you want them to be since you're doing such an original take on this). However, I didn't feel lost during any of the story and the mix of description and dialogue made for a great read until the twist ending. Now that you're decided to explore it as your Storybook, I have to say I can definitely see Ravana keeping a diary! :D
Matthew,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the introduction to your story, it is easy to report that you have created an enticing hook with the mystery of the book and its contents. I can’t wait to see where the discovery of the book takes us! I can also say that I appreciate that you have engaged your audience emotionally with the sensitive, yet reproaching words offered by Lakshmana to Rama. Being descriptive with Rama’s physical reaction to his brother’s words works well to build tension. A few issues that I noticed, however, are with the continuity in your story so far. First, your title for the introduction is, “The Bottle.” I cannot see anywhere in the story that a bottle, or the hint of a bottle is revealed to the reader. I am wondering if it wasn’t supposed to be titled, “The Book.” Second, you mentioned that the brothers are traveling towards a creek to hydrate themselves, but then they “slumped their way to the lake.” Perhaps, choosing one body of water type might provide a better sense of how and where the brothers are travelling. Third, you describe the brother’s reaction to seeing the book in the water with the line, “…the boys thought this to be yet another trick and quivered their arrows and took aim in every direction.” The term “quiver,” as related to archery, is a vessel to carry arrows in. Therefor, to “quiver” an arrow would indicate one putting arrows into the quiver, thus storing them. It appears that your intention was to have them “nock” their arrows by putting the arrow against the bow string and drawing them to shoot. Perhaps a quick internet search can provide you with the nomenclature you are looking for to describe what the brothers are doing in a realistic manner. Good luck as you move forward. I will be looking for your story as it develops!
Hello, Matthew!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I really liked your story and how detailed everything was! I thought you really painted everything clearly, and I could really visualize the events taking place. Especially in the last paragraph where I you described the shooting of the arrow. I also really liked the dialogue between the brothers which revealed a lot of their personal thoughts. I think your title, "the bottle" might be a little misleading, given that I did not read anything related to a bottle in the story. Perhaps "the journal" or something that references Ravana. I think that when you describe the situation with the golden deer, you could add just a few details for some more context. For example, when you described the journal as being Ravana's, the reader doesn't really understand the gravity of what that means to the brothers (unless they are familiar with Indian epics or are in our class). Adding some details in the beginning about Ravana and the golden deer coming from him will add some intensity to moment the men find the journal. I really enjoyed your story and think it was clever to use material from the Ramayana for your project!
Hey Matthew.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading the introduction of your story. You have put a lot of detail into your story and as the reader I appreciate that you did that. I like how you made Rama more human within your introduction. Rama has been facing problems and showing emotion, showing that he is not perfect even being the humanly incarnation of Vishnu. I also enjoyed how you incorporated the journal into the story. Having Rama open the journal in the introduction of the story definitely sets the reader to prepare for your other stories that are soon to come. I can not wait to read about Ravana and what is hidden within his journal. Will Sita ever be found I wonder? The pictures you incorporated within your intro are nice as well. I like how they are put to the left side of your page, so it is not taking away from the actual text of the story but also not hiding from the readers view either. The biggest piece of advice I could give you is maybe split the last paragraph up into two. It is a large paragraph and it may be easier for the reader to read if it is split into two. Good job!
Hey hey Matthew..
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your story, as unlike most, it had a definite atmosphere and mood. That atmosphere may have been as generic as an A-1 pictures isekai anime, but at least it was there. It helps that your word choice was relatively consistent. Your characters have similar reactions and mannerisms, thus establishing a consistent world. Your description of the environment is adequate, and if a little inconsistent: do they go to a lake or a river? is the forest dark and evil, and if so, why is the lake water clean enough to bathe in? Why are the two princes referred to as boys? Rama must be at least in his twenties by now.
If you want to continue the story as you have, understand that you have bounded yourself to a certain number of character behaviors, and that all of your future characters will have to be roughly as serious and rational as the princes in this story. They can deviate slightly, but you will be deprived of anything overly goofy or abnormal. It will probably be best to also maintain the same level of detail between stories, which will be a good thing, but it will restrict you to relatively short events. Otherwise, your stories will become very, very long.
Hi Matthew! I'd like to begin with the wonder part of WWW. I wonder where you are going to include a bottle? I was reading for a bottle and am sort of disappointed and honestly confused that it didn't really come up. Was the bottle supposed to be the book. By the way, I loved the Wreck it Ralph reference. Or at least I hope it was a Wreck it Ralph reference. My WOW would definitely be the degree of detail you fit into this story. Where it was through emotional description or humor, you had me engaged the whole time. My what if would most certainly have to be what if we lost the old English way of speaking. It disrupts the story. I kept getting caught on it and felt out of place. Overall, however, I really enjoyed reading your introduction. I'd also like to add I love the look of the page. The images off to the side are nice because they add and don't necessarily get in the way.
ReplyDeleteGood afternoon, Matthew! I found the title you chose to begin your introduction to be simple yet alluring. However, I was a little confused as I did not see any mention of an actual bottle anywhere in your story. Is the bottle a metaphor? I think you do a fantastic job of storytelling and showing the reader the dynamic of the relationship between the two brothers. I was wondering if you could perhaps include an authors note? I am curious to hear about your inspirations behind this story, besides the obvious tale of the Ramayana itself. I think it was neat how you shifted yout writing style to feel almost like a hardy boys, detective-esque story towards the end. I am very curious to see how Ravana’s journal will lead Rama and Lakshama to find Sita. I feel as though your introduction was a wonderful way to start your story!
ReplyDeleteHello Matthew! I am currently reading your story about the birth of Lanka. First off, I'd like to compliment the set-up of the site. The images are nice, and I honestly wish there were more of them to tie into the story! Like a mountain or an island or more pictures of characters! I really enjoyed the journal-entry-esque thing you're going for since this is the journal they find in the water. I like the self-reflection in the story and how it ties into a story from the past. This part is very well written by the way. I love the playfulness of the mountain battle and then the almost concerned tone of the narrator attaching this to his own life. I really like the line: "I don't necessarily see myself as a savior to my kind, but rather a rightful king that finally built an empire so grand that it infects the nightmares and worries of all who think of it." Because I think he totally does see himself as a savior. Because not only is he proud of his empire, but he wants others to shrink away at the thought of it. I am really getting narcissist in denial throughout this whole thing and I'm really interested to see how you treat that. Overall, I loved the story and I can't wait to see what you do moving forward!
ReplyDeleteHey Matt! First off, I enjoy the fact you kept your title short and sweet as "The Bottle" for your introduction. I think it has a mysterious aspect about it because of this and makes me want to read more to find out how this story could go. I do appreciate the detail you put into the introduction because it makes me excited to read the rest of the stories you will write, but I am curious about the mention of the bottle in the actual story, and if that will play a bigger role in other future stories? Also, I do like Rama in this so far, as he is not one of my favorite characters in the original epics, but him showing emotion in this does make me feel for him and want to side with him in future obstacles. I think you have a good start to your storybook and I am intrigued with what other stories are coming soon! Great job!
ReplyDeleteHey Matt! I liked the short title! Its like how Pixar did "Frozen" and "Brave." They draw you in with a short snappy title and it doesn't give that much away. Mystery is a great tool. That's why they break so many records and make so much money. I also liked how you changed perspectives between the introduction and the first story. Are you going to keep changing it? By doing that, you can show so many sides of the story. Your introduction drew me in so well. It was so great, I wanted to read a full storybook, Your touch of the book that the brothers find after Sita had been taken. Also, where you started was genius, It created such great suspense. You also write very clear so I enjoyed that aspect! Your sentence structure would make so many English teachers so proud. I noticed you don't have a link to your blog comments on your storybook, I didn't have that and many people requested that so maybe add that in because its useful!
ReplyDeleteHi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteYou know I always found Ravana quite interesting. From the beginning of the Ramayana where he gains his immortality, I have always thought of him as a very interesting character. I really like the way the storybook is shaping to be.
Your website looks great. However, I did not see a link to your Blogger comment wall. I would suggest adding one; you can add a footer that will show at the end of every page with a link to your comment wall.
I really liked the introduction to the project. The idea that Rama and Lankshama stumble upon the diary of Ravana is just great and very creative. A diary is one of the things that we think of sincere and hold very dear. Learning the story of Ravana this way will definitely be interesting, to say the least. I am looking forward to where you will take this project.
Hey Matthew,
ReplyDeleteYour introduction was very good. I like the images you put in the introduction. It really set the scene of the story. The way you ended your introduction left me wanting to read more. Your story the Birth of Lanka, was very interesting. I did not know that Lanka was formed due to a bet between Vayu and Vasuki. Your attention to detail is great. I am impressed that you made your story from different sections of the comic book "Kubera: The Lord of Wealth." Is this the story that made you want to create a whole storybook about Ravana? Have you considered making the story of the Birth of Lanka as your introduction? I only this because the storybook is supposed to be about Ravana, but I see more information about the other characters such as Rama, Lakshmana, Vayu, and Vasuki. I also suggest making more breaks in paragraphs in the stories only so that it is easier to read.
Your classmate,
Joanna
Hey Matthew!
ReplyDeleteI've been to your Storybook before, and I loved your idea to explore the 'entries' in 'Ravana's diary', so I'm really glad I got to read the next part! Firstly, I think the way you take on Ravana's perspective is interesting because he doesn't seem like the same person from the Ramayana I read. Maybe this is because the first entry is from 'a long while ago', but he seems more humble and at peace, which I love. I also liked that you chose to write the history of Lanka as if its from a traditional song, because in a lot of cultures, history is written inside art like songs and paintings. On that note, you wrote "The songs went Vayu" and I was wondering if you meant to include a colon there, just to separate Ravana's thoughts from the actual song. If so, I would also suggest making the 'song' part begin in a new paragraph. You might even put it in italics to separate it from the rest of the entry for effect. Excited to see what's next!
Hi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteThis is a cool concept, though I have a bit of a hard time imagining that Ravana would really keep such a candid journal. The idea of Ravana being the advocate and strong leader of the rakshasas is interesting.
In the second paragraph of your first story, I think “The songs went Vayu” should be something like “The songs told that Vayu.” In the third paragraph, maybe “childish songs” should be “childhood songs.” And I’ll admit that this – “architecture and jewels revered by scholars and jewelers” – struck me as a strange combination, but that’s just me.
My biggest question is: who are the advisers that keep getting mentioned? I’m curious to know more about them, since Ravana seems to trust them so much. Are they old friends from the establishment of Lanka? Certainly, from the original readings we did, Ravana didn’t seem to be the sort of character to take advice easily…
Best,
A.M.
Hi Matt! I read your story titled The Birth of Lanka because when I clicked on the link to The Demon King of Lanka, Ravana I was lead to a blank page. I felt that The Birth of Lanka was a really neat read. I liked how you began the story with a hook to reel the readers in. I also liked that you ended your story with another hook that would make the reader excited to anticipate and read the next one you post. I personally really liked the story of the Ramayana, specifically the characters of Rama, Lakshama, and Sita. Reading about Rama and Lakshama working (or perhaps I should say reading) to decipher journal entries in order to find clues that would lead them to Sita was fun! I also really liked the use of images you used on your page. The banner was a cool artifact of Indian culture and having the story image off-centered made the page unique. I think the images you chose complemented both the vibe of this course and your story really well.
ReplyDelete-Hi Matt,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your storybook. This is a fascinating premise. I like the idea that I am reading Ravana's 'diary' and I like the set up of your storybook. However, the Comment Wall is absent as far as I can tell, I couldn't find it at least.
Birth of Lanka- I didn't read the comic book, so I have no idea what parts were from it and which were not but I find that the story flows nicely.
Birth of a King - I noticed that you only had one Author's note. It is for all three parts, I think that you should move it to a separate page (just for authors notes). or maybe add it to the footnote so that it shows up at the bottom of every page.
Seeing as this is supposed to be writing from someone, I have nothing to say about grammar, however there are a few spaces between the final two paragraphs of Birth of a King.
I like the images you chose for your story. i think that you should add another to your last story. I can't wait to read more.
Hi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI just finished up looking over your portfolio and it's stories while focusing on the images you chose to use for it all! For the most part I thought they were appropriate images for the stories you were trying to tell. Starting with the your cover page, I suggest you add a little more to it. It is a little plain and you can even link your stories there too with the images you used in them. Just make things more inviting if you wanted to. On the first story page I really liked how you had two images representing more than one aspect to your story! It really made me think about doing something similar on a current story or future. Moving on to the second story, I think you could have made that image a little larger. Maybe extend it in length down the side of that page. And Lastly, the image on the third story. I loved how big it was! This is just a personal option but I do think you could put it at the top of the page even though it is that big! When an image is at the beginning it helps the reader invasion what they are reading more.
Hey Matthew, I really like the idea of your storybook. Using your project to explore a single God is pretty cool. The title of storybook was through and it did its job very well because it intrigued me a lot. I also really liked the picture you chose of Ravana, and the fact that you kept that picture consistent throughout all of your stories. Getting into your stories I realized how thoroughly thought out the structure for your project is. The fact that the stories we are reading are the ones the boys found in the journal, and that each is titled after an entry number was really fun. Great job on that, man. One thing I will say though, is that I feel like you could find better positioning for your pictures. I think if you embedded them within your story as they are mentioned or come up, it would be a lot more beneficial with the visualization. Other than that, I really enjoyed your project. Looking forward to seeing what happens next.
ReplyDeleteHey Matthew!
ReplyDeleteFor starters, I really like how you kind of just throw the reader into the story. By not introducing the boys or Rama or Lakshmana, you kind of imply that the reader already knows who and what you're talking about. It really works in this story.
I'm also quite impressed with the relationship between Rama and Lakshmana. How did they develop such good communication and mutual respect?
I will say, the first paragraph confused me a little bit. I thought that there were two boys (perhaps in the modern age) walking around a place where Rama and Lakshmana had been through some famous event. Then later it seems like Rama and Lakshmana are the brothers in your story. Am I reading it wrong? Is Sita Rama's love? Why are they slaying demons? Although I like the introduction a lot, it may help to add a little contextual detail later in the story.
Good work over all!
Hi Matthew!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your most recent story about the birth of Lanka. I love the way you approached this story and the other story in your storybook. With journal entries written by the evil Ravana himself, the reader is able to look into all of the villain's thoughts. This was refreshing, as most of the stories that I have read from this class have been written from the perspective of the protagonist. It is interesting to me how Ravana was so dependent on the gods even though he was a demon. I guess there could be gods controlling good and other gods controlling evil.
I particularly thought your author's note was well written. In it, the reader is able to see your though process when writing each part of the story.
I also liked that you tied your story back into the Ramayana at the end. Rama and Lakshmana now know that they can defeat Ravana because they are human. Well done!
Hi Matthew!
ReplyDeleteMy biggest comment for this story is that it feels like you have trouble with timeline and order of events. For example, in "Birth of a King", Rama says "Maybe this Ravana might know where Sita is." when you already established in the introduction that Ravana kidnapped Sita. Did he lose her? I should hope he knows where she is. Also, in your introduction, the body of water goes from a creek to a lake to a river in the span of a few sentences. Re-reading your story after you finish it could help with continuity errors. You did have excellent author's notes, though. They helped us to understand the material you based your stories off of. They also give us insight into your thought process and tell us why you made the decisions you did, such as to give you a good place to start that also provided a segue into the next story. Well done!
WWW Comment:
ReplyDeleteHey Matt,
I like the title of your storybook, it is very engaging and the reader knows exactly what they are going to be reading about. Also, I like the images that you used for you storybook, it definitely adds to the stories and the storybook. I think that it’s interesting to look at the history of Ravana. We get a very brief description about Ravana in the Ramayana, so it’s really exciting that we are going to learn more about him. I like how in your story, “the history of Ravana,” you start with the beginning of Ravana’s evil reign. It is definitely an interesting place to start as we begin to see Ravana lose his morals and become more evil. Ravana was first a very pious Brahmin, who was very talented in music. He was also very intellectual, so it’s interesting to see how he lost all of that. Overall, I really enjoyed your storybook.
Hey Matt,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your story. I really enjoy how you have written the story. It is really cool to hear it like the king of Lanka is talking. I also think it is really entertaining to hear what he is saying. He sounds like a teenager who doesn’t really understand love. The story is so easy to read and flows so well because of the narrative. I also think this story id really interesting because of the story itself. I wrote my second story about when Sita was taken and the third story about when she was saved. So, it is really interesting to hear a story about what was happening between my two stories and to hear about what was going on with Sita at the time because I only wrote about Rama. I also like that you added that Rama saw her and knew she was safe. I wonder if the story would be any different if he didn’t know she was safe.